Life: Granddad

On the 24^th December 2013 I was sat on the sofa beside my dad watching a movie, or a TV series or maybe even just regular TV and I looked at him and noticed he was crying. My dad, like I’m sure most people’s fathers, doesn’t do emotions other than happy and angry. He’s mostly happy and occasionally if you slam the car door shut too hard, gets angry. He just doesn’t cry. I got up and asked my mum what was wrong with dad and she told me that my granddad wasn’t very well at all, stage 4 cancer, that kind of not well.

My parents and I, my mum especially, are super close. They’re my best friends, truly. We go shopping together, laugh at each other’s outfit choices and confide in each other how work/university etc. is going. We decided not to tell my brother and sister until after Christmas, my dad needed a couple days of normality before it all changed.

Christmas was how I think Christmas will be from now on, no magic. I know it’s silly and I know that certain aspects of Christmas are no longer real and Christmas does stop being magic as you grow older until you have your own family, but that really was the first Christmas it felt that way.

My dad flew back to the UK not long after Christmas and my mum, sister and I followed on New Years Eve. The beginning of a non-eventful New Years Eve tradition began in 2013. I’m lucky that I got to see my granddad while he was still able to hold conversation and crack jokes like he always did. On the 6^th January I flew up from Exeter to Edinburgh and never saw my granddad again.

On the 27^th of January 2014 I was at a hockey training session with my flatmate Sarah when I checked my phone during a quick break and saw a missed Skype call from my grandma. That morning my dad had let me know that granddads nurse had warned him that the end was close, as we all knew it was. Maybe its just hindsight or maybe gut feelings really do exist but I remember seeing the missed call and thinking, crap…I should have answered that.

Just after 12pm on the afternoon of the 28^th my granddad passed away in his bed surrounded by family and loved ones.

Very few people know about my granddads passing, it wasn’t something I wanted to talk about and largely; I just tried to forget it. Grief is mysterious, the first couple of nights where painful. A literal pain that engulfed my chest and hurt my head. It stopped me from talking to my family for a while because I didn’t know how we could all put on a brave face and continue life, how do you answer a simple “How’re you doing?” when part of your world ceases to exist.  

On the 14^th February my granddad was laid to rest. 2014 was the year that I experienced my first real loss, a loss that I will feel for the rest of my life and never fully get over. It’s set a path that, although unintentional, has changed so many aspects in my life, from the holiday season to trying to take as many photos of even the simplest things as I can.

While I’m not religious in the slightest sense, I do believe that death is just a chapter in a never-ending story. One that will hopefully lead us all back to those we’ve lost and those we never met that impacted our lives in some way or another.

 Rest In Peace Granddad.